Sometimes life has to knock you flat on your back before you start asking the big questions. A few years ago, I hit one of those moments—a personal mess that lit a fire under me to figure out what’s really going on inside. What started as a scramble to make sense of myself turned into this crazy, beautiful journey that’s shifted how I see everything—myself, love, what I’m even doing here. I want to tell you about it: the highs, the lows, and this wild idea I’ve got about where we could all be headed if we dare to rethink things. Pull up a chair—let’s dig in.
The Wake-Up Call: Ego, Illusions, and a Lot of Noise
In 2018, I was a mess—caught up in my own head after a rough patch fueled by ego and some dumb illusions I didn’t even realize I was chasing. I was hurting, confused, and started wondering: why am I so miserable? What’s driving me to keep running after stuff that just feeds my pride? Those questions were like a loose thread—I couldn’t stop pulling.
I started paying attention to the chatter in my head. You know that nonstop stream of thoughts and feelings? It was loud, chaotic, and honestly felt more like a fake version of me than the real deal. I’d sit there, watching it all swirl, and think, “Is this really who I am—or just some trap I’ve built for myself?” It hit me hard: my mind could be a cozy hideout or a straight-up cage, depending on how I let it run. I’d wrapped so much of myself up in those thoughts, those emotions, but they were clouding the truth. I knew I had to shake things up.
So, I started poking around—trying out meditation, dipping into psychology, anything that might crack the code. Early on, I learned the mind’s a tricky beast—you can tame it a bit, but it loves clinging to its old tricks. Still, even those first shaky steps showed me something big: figuring out the tug-of-war between my ego and who I really am was the key to changing anything for good.
Journey of Awakening: Meditation, Mindfulness, and a Lot of Trial and Error
I figured meditation might be my ticket out of the mental noise, so I jumped in with both feet. Started with Headspace—those little guided sessions were a lifeline at first. They got me into a rhythm, calmed me down, but after a while, I felt stuck. It was nice, sure, but it wasn’t digging deep enough—like I was skimming the surface of something bigger I couldn’t quite reach.
I kicked it up a notch and signed up for a Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy course in 2019. Took it twice, actually—once with a group, then solo. It was more intense, mixing science with old-school practices, and I loved the structure. But even then, I’d finish a session and think, “Okay, this is great, but what’s next?” It cleared my head, gave me some peace, but the ego stuff—the real mystery—kept dodging me. Still, I stuck with it. Meditating every day became my anchor. I’d sit there, watching my mind do its thing, and even if I couldn’t shake the thoughts entirely, I started spotting the patterns.
What I loved most was how meditation turned into this quiet little rebellion against my own head. It wasn’t just about chilling out—it was a way to poke at myself, to ask, “Hey, what’s real here?” It cracked the door open, letting me peek at the ego’s tricks and wonder what might be hiding behind all that noise.
The Game Changer: Getting Real and Finding Love
Then came May 2020—a moment that flipped everything. I’d been screwing up in my relationship, letting ego call the shots, and I finally decided to come clean to my girlfriend. I laid it all out—my mistakes, my insecurities—and yeah, it was scary as hell. But man, that honesty broke something open. It wasn’t just about fixing things with her; it was like I’d cleared space for something real to grow.
That vulnerability sparked a whole new vibe—love and compassion started showing up in ways I hadn’t expected. I stumbled across Chuck Spezzano and Barry Long, two guys who talk about love like it’s this raw, ego-free force that can change everything. Their words hit me hard. Around the same time, I found Culadasa—John Yates—and his meditation approach sharpened my focus even more. I started asking bigger questions: What is this ego thing anyway? Could there be a truer me under all this baggage?
Bit by bit, I felt this split—my real self pulling away from the ego-driven guy I’d been playing for years. It wasn’t some grand epiphany, just this quiet hunch growing stronger with every honest moment. Being real with myself and her set me up to dig even deeper into what’s actually going on in here.
Going Deeper: Mystics, Questions, and a Little Weirdness
Next thing I knew, I was knee-deep in mystical stuff—old-school wisdom that felt rawer than the yoga classes and psych books I’d tried. Western yoga was cool—got my body moving, chilled me out—but it wasn’t answering the “why am I here” stuff rattling around in my head. I needed more.
I started reading about the Toltecs and their idea of “Mitote”—this mental fog we’re all stuck in. It was like they were describing my brain on a bad day. Then I found Eckhart Tolle—spent weeks glued to his videos, soaking it all in. Around then, a TED talk by Anthony Metivier led me to Gary Weber, and that guy blew my mind. He’s got this way of breaking down awakening with science and logic—none of that woo-woo fluff. His books and meditations made “the self isn’t real” feel less like a riddle and more like something I could wrap my head around.
Sure, the ego would still freak out sometimes—little bursts of fear trying to drag me back. But those teachings helped me see it for what it was: just noise, not truth. It was like I’d found a map, and even if I stumbled, I knew where I was headed.
The Good Stuff: Glimpses of Something Amazing
As I kept at it, things started shifting. I’d be out playing pickup soccer, meditating, or just hanging with my girlfriend, and suddenly—bam—the chatter would stop. Pure, clear calm would roll in, like nothing I’d ever felt. Those moments of waking up, even if they were quick, started happening more often. Bliss isn’t even the word—it was just… real.
Of course, my ego wasn’t done fighting. Every now and then, it’d throw a tantrum—worries about getting hurt or looking weird to my friends. I’d get lost in that for 10, 20 minutes until I’d catch myself and go, “Wait, this isn’t me—it’s just old habits kicking up dust.” Those slip-ups weren’t failures, though—they were proof I was still in the game, still learning. The more I saw through the noise, the more I knew it wasn’t who I am. Little by little, I was letting go, and every clear moment felt like a win.
The Big Dream: A New Way to Be Human
All this got me thinking bigger—like, way bigger. What if the way we’re all living—chasing egos, stuck in loops—is just a busted system? I started dreaming about a new “operating system” for humans. Imagine something as easy to jump into as Instagram, but instead of filters and likes, it’s about waking up, getting real, and finding peace. Crazy, right?
I see two ways to pull it off: tons of teachers out there guiding people one by one, or—a little wilder—some kind of app or platform that brings ancient smarts and modern know-how to everyone. I got so hooked on the idea that last week, I walked away from my Google job in Ireland. Yep, quit the gig that used to be my whole identity. I’ve built businesses before, messed around in the online world, and know my way around money stuff—why not use that to make this real? But it’s not just about tech or hustle—it’s gotta have that deep, true heart from the teachings that got me here.
I’ve started reaching out to people who get it—folks who want to dream up a movement, not just an app. Something that flips how we see ourselves and the world. If we swap ideas and build together, maybe we can make a tool that helps us all ask the big questions and find some calm in the storm.
The Road Ahead: Ditching Fear and Trusting the Ride
Here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned: fear’s the real enemy. Fear of change, of losing who we think we are—it’s what keeps us stuck. But the more I let go, the more I feel this… trust. Like the universe has my back, nudging me along even when I’m scared to move.
Waking up isn’t about zapping every bad thought—it’s about seeing them for what they are: little blips, not the whole story. When fear creeps in, I don’t fight it anymore—I just nod at it and let it drift by. It’s getting easier, less loud every time. I’m starting to believe there’s this deep energy in us, in everything, that knows what’s up. When I stop pushing back, it flows, and that’s where the magic happens.
I’m pumped to see where this goes—not just for me, but for all of us. What if we had tools to face life with clear eyes and big hearts? Blending what I’ve lived, what science shows, and what the old sages knew—it could change everything. Success wouldn’t be about stuff or status, but about waking up and loving deeper.
So, that’s my story—so far, anyway. I hope it sparks something in you, maybe nudges you to poke at your own questions. It’s messy, it’s hard, but every honest step feels truer than the last. Let’s trust the ride, let go of the fear, and see where it takes us. The universe is holding us—I swear it is—and the more we lean in, the more we’ll find what’s waiting. Read more about my journey of awakening here.